


End Here.

by emotionalsponge



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Ash is alive, M/M, Self Harm, ash lynx - Freeform, but not the type that you think when you think abt banana fish fanfic, eiji okamura - Freeform, self harmer eiji, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 20:52:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17148902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emotionalsponge/pseuds/emotionalsponge
Summary: Eiji is addicted, he knows that much.





	End Here.

**Author's Note:**

> ok i wrote this in like half an hour and its probably the worst thing ive ever written but h im posting it because i probably wont come back to it. but ujjjj this is a pretty self indulgent fic

After Eiji met Ash, seeing bodies littered with scars had become the norm. He always wondered if they were created the same way as his had been- hunched over, mind reeling, by his own hand… it was usually easy for him to tell if they were or not.   
He started at the tender age of 12. Almost every day was a battle back then and for seemingly no reason. He just knew that people did it to get rid of their pain, and it seemed to work for him.   
It began to subside as his teenage years continued, until his accident when life began to desaturate the way it had before. Acquiring blades back then had been a little harder than it was after meeting Ash, tiptoeing around his parents to steal shaving razors, always cleaning up best as possible to avoid his sister finding miscellaneous blood around his room.

Fast forward.

He didn’t feel bad all the time like he used to, but he just felt like it was an itch that needed to be scratched. Knives were easily acquired around here, but he felt they were usually a little too dull from use. Box cutters were his new favorite.   
Sat in front of the fireplace he gripped the blade and stared down at his lap. Ash was gone, not unusual but it was hard to gauge the time he’d be back. Eiji thought he should maybe move to the the bathroom. The privacy put him at ease, he never ever wanted Ash to know. Ash already had so much to deal with. Eiji also wanted to steer clear from Ash thinking he couldn’t protect Eiji.   
Sat on the toilet seat, Eiji breathed out a sigh and shakily moved his hand down to his lap. He was smart enough to do it in a more discreet area on his body. The arms were so stereotypical anyway.   
One quick slice.  
“Ah…” He hissed. “Not deep enough.”  
One more. Then two more. Soon enough his thighs were littered with cuts with blood dripping to the tiled floor. He thought it was beautiful, in a way. “But I guess that’s what happens when you’re addicted to it,” Eiji said aloud. He was so stuck in his own head, he thought coming with Ibe to America would help him stop and figure out how to live without it. Instead, it became the only thing tethering him to reality while everything around him was so chaotic.   
“Eiji! I’m home!” Ash’s muffled voice sounded out.   
“Ah, no. No he can’t see me like this.” Eiji dropped to the floor and began sopping up his blood with the toilet roll.   
“Eiji?” Ash called.   
Eiji could hear the footsteps entering the bedroom, his heart raced. “I’m in here give me a moment!”   
Eiji heard a grunt signaling Ash had acknowledged him and finished cleaning up. He pulled up his gym shorts and thought, “surely the blood has clotted by now,” before leaving the ensuite.   
“Welcome back, where were you off to this time?” Eiji said trying to sound as normal as possible, trying to sound like someone who wasn’t just carving up their skin.   
“Just to the library, Bones told me you haven’t left the apartment all day?”  
“Yeah I didn’t want to inconvenience them by asking them to take me out,” Eiji laughed sheepishly. “You hungry? Did you get anything to eat while you were out?” Assuming Ash’s answer would be no, Eiji tried moving to the door to get to the kitchen but hissed in pain, the cuts reopening upon movement.   
“Are you okay old man? Your joints acti…” Ash had noticed the blood dripping out from Eiji’s shorts and down his legs. “Are you okay!? Are you hurt?!” He asked rushing to Eiji’s side. Ash ushered him to sit on the bed so he could bend down and better examine the source of blood.  
When Ash pulled Eiji’s pant leg up he went silent. He saw every scar that got bigger and deeper the farther down Eiji’s thigh they went. The ones near the top of his thigh looked older, and the most recent, near his knee.  
Eiji’s heart had dropped down to his stomach and jumped back up into his throat and all he could choke out was. “I-It wasn’t me.”   
“Like hell it wasn’! Eiji I know what those are. You’re hurting yourself. Eiji, I-” Ash stood up. “...Why?”  
Eiji looked up and saw Ash’s pained face. It was different from when he was just experiencing physical pain but similar to how he looked when Shorter had been drugged and ordered to kill Eiji. “I’m the one making him feel like this.” Eiji truly, truly wanted to die.  
After minutes of heavy silence, Ash spoke up. “I’ve heard self harmers hurt themselves to distract from emotional pain. I know your life has gotten significantly harder since you came to America. Eiji, if it’s being here that’s making you hurt, maybe you-”  
“It’s not that.” Eiji spoke up, knowing where this conversation was headed. “I… I’ve been doing it for a long time, even before I came here…” He trailed off.   
Ash’s gaze was cold, staring down at Eiji’s worthless shape sitting on the bed. Eiji couldn’t bring himself to look at Ash in the eye.   
“Then… why?”   
Eiji’s heart broke into a million pieces, Ash sounded so pained.   
“I don’t even know anymore…” Eiji whispered. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to grab Ash’s gun and kill himself ending it once and for all. But he couldn’t move, he was paralyzed.   
“Eiji…” Ash croaked out. Eiji looked up to see Ash was crying, and realized he was too.   
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” Eiji cried out. Over and over apologizing until he didn’t even sound like himself.   
Ash pulled him into a hug, holding him delicately as if he would shatter at a single touch. They sat like that for what felt like forever until Ash stood and suggested they should tend to the wounds on Eiji’s legs.   
Eiji felt worthless. Stupid. A complete and utter waste of space. “Ash, I-”  
“Shhh” Ash pressed his finger to Eiji’s lips. “It’s okay, you don’t have to explain yourself.”  
“But I think-”  
“No.” Ash shut him up and continued cleaning and bandaging Eiji’s legs. “That’s enough for tonight. Don’t feel like you need to do more than you can handle.” Ash’s words were. final. Him and Eiji crawled into the bed Eiji was sat on and Ash held onto him as if Eiji would disappear at any moment. “I love you.” Was the last thing Eiji heard before Ash fell asleep.   
Hours later, Eiji carefully freed him from Ash’s grasp and reached to the side table where Ash left his gun. Loading it and taking one last look at Ash’s peaceful face, he pulled the trigger and everything ended with a bang.


End file.
